The Crumpled Pages
Hi my friend,
Last week I was in Scotland.
Doing a training in a healing modality,
which I'll share with you…
someday.
I actually wrote you a letter about it…
I wanted to send it out yesterday,
but then I re-read it and
it just felt off.
It sounded like something
I “should” be writing about,
something that would make sense
to talk about…
But not what was actually
on my heart.
To be honest,
that letter wasn't even my first draft...
All week I had been writing little
snippets to send you.
And all week
they ended up in the bin.
Why?
Because all of them were too…
neat.
I was writing
what I assumed you would prefer
to read.
And because I don't want to
write you letters that aren't
fully me.
I started again…
And again…
For days I couldn't figure out
why I wasn't satisfied with
the outcome.
But the answer came only
when I gave myself some time
to reflect.
While growing up,
I learned what to say and
what to do to be
liked.
School was the perfect
training ground for that.
Do the right things, say the right words,
and you'll get the best
grades.
There was this invisible
formula.
And I knew that if I followed it,
I would be okay...
I wouldn't fail.
And it worked.
I did do well at school.
Teachers liked me.
Other kids liked me.
But of course there's a downside
when you live this way…
You become so accustomed
to fitting into an invisible mold
that you forget how to be
when there's nothing
to fit into.
You become so fluent in contorting yourself,
shapeshifting into many different versions
of yourself throughout the day,
that it doesn't even feel like work...
You just do it.
The problem is…
when you stay in that foreign shape
for too long, it starts to
become tight.
But at the same time,
not having a shape to fit into
feels scary too.
Because who even are you?
Over the past decade,
I have been learning how to let go
of shapeshifting.
Finding my true self...
Figuring out what I actually want to say.
And what is important to me.
But there are still moments
when those well-oiled patterns pull me in.
When I get into the mold and
hope people will like it...
That people will
like me.
And that's okay.
I'm learning.
And it takes time.
But the more I become myself,
the more uncomfortable any other
shape begins to feel...
It becomes easier to notice when
something feels too tight,
when something is off.
And that's great!
Because as soon as I feel it...
I can choose to shift
out of it.
Sooo…
That's exactly why I kept crumpling up
every letter I tried to send you
from Scotland.
Because this -
the real, messy, honest version…
is what's truly mine.
And it's the only thing
I ever want to share with you,
my friend.
With love,
Elina