The Saboteur

Hi my friend,

I'm finally starting to feel 
like myself again.

A week ago, 
I wasn't doing so well.

I could feel it coming for a while...
That quiet nudge from within,
telling me a cold was on its way,
that I needed to slow down.

But I didn't want to.
I didn't have time to.

I was traveling to Scotland 
to learn new skills…
and then off to London with my family
to visit friends.

There were so many 
beautiful things happening.
Rest just had to wait.

But as soon as 
I landed back home -
that was it.

A wave of exhaustion 
washed over me.

A fever came on.
My sinuses clogged.
And my head felt too heavy 
to hold.

In other words -
my body made me stop.

So I created 
a little nest for myself.
And I slept. And slept.
Waiting for my body 
to recover.

It might sound peaceful…
but it wasn't.

Because every 
time I opened my eyes,
there was hopelessness sitting 
beside me.

I could feel her 
as this sinking feeling within,
telling me…
that maybe no one really needs
what I have to offer.

That no one would notice 
if I stopped,
that there's nothing truly unique 
about what I am doing,

so why even try?

Yep, that was her…
Hopelessness.

So convincing.
So persistent.

So good at telling her story that 
it becomes hard not to 
believe her.

But she didn’t scare me.
Because I recognise 
her.

It's taken me a while
to figure her out, 
but now…

As soon as 
I notice the looping thoughts.
The heaviness in my mood.
The way everything suddenly 
feels pointless.

I know it's her.
And I just want to hug her.
Because all she's trying to do
is take care of me.

She's the part of me 
who is convinced that…

If I'm already feeling this poorly, 
then stepping toward my dreams,
might simply be 
too much.

Because what if people reject me?
What if nothing I'm hoping for 
works out?

That kind of disappointment
would be more than I can carry 
right now.

And what if it all goes well?
Could I even handle that?

So she cocoons me in doubt.
Not to punish me…
but to protect me.

She's trying to keep me safe
in a moment when I don't 
feel strong.

But…

As convincing and protective 
as she can be, she doesn't know 
what's ahead.

Her stories are stitched together 
from old memories and past hurts… 
things she's overheard 
and absorbed.

So, my friend,
if this week you suddenly 
feel her presence…

Be with her.
But don't let her lead
the way.

She often 
speaks the loudest
when you're tired and
the world feels a bit much 
to hold.

In those moments,
give yourself a little extra care.

Because she's not here to hurt you.
She just wants to make sure 
you're okay.

With love,
Elina