The 1000 Days of Longing

Hi my friend,

It's been 1000 days since 
my mom passed away.

Some days, 
it feels like forever ago.
Others, like it just happened.

Grief does that…
It bends time in strange ways.

At night, 
I see her in my dreams.

We go to restaurants,
and she gives red-lipstick kisses
to her grandchildren - 
to my children.

We talk about the food 
and laugh, oh, so carefree...

And then I wake up.

And I have to remember 
all over again that she's 
not here anymore.

I often relive her loss 
in those mornings.
When the weight of reality 
blankets me.

Or when something 
good happens…

Like when a photographer 
sends me our family's images,
golden from the evening sunlight
and filled with our giggles…

And in that very second,
I want to share them with her.
I want to share my joy 
with my mom.

But her phone number
now belongs to someone else.
And my heart breaks.

Or remembers the places
it's already been broken.
The places that are still tender.
The places that will 
always be tender.

And yet... 
Life has moved forward.

 
Elina and Her Stardust
 

Milestones 
have come and gone.
We've settled into our days
that no longer include her.

But she will always 
feel like a missing piece.
Someone who is here,
but I cannot reach.

Like the Summer breeze,
who's not mine 
to keep.

And no matter how
many days go by
that feeling will never fade.

Sometimes people wonder - 
hasn't it been long enough?
Shouldn't this chapter be 
closed by now?

But losing someone you love
is a forever thing.
It doesn't have an 
end date. 

Each new day arrives,
and they are not 
coming back.

Yes, grief does change.
You learn to think about them
without falling into 
a dark place.

But the missing...
the longing...
the love...
that part stays.

So it's not a chapter.
It's a life.

It's continuing to live, 
without a piece of 
your heart.

Some days you don't 
notice it.
Others, it aches.

And that's okay.

Because missing her
is also a way of loving her.
A way of keeping 
her close.

And I wouldn't trade that love
for anything else.

With love,
Elina

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