The 1000 Days of Longing
Hi my friend,
It's been 1000 days since
my mom passed away.
Some days,
it feels like forever ago.
Others, like it just happened.
Grief does that…
It bends time in strange ways.
At night,
I see her in my dreams.
We go to restaurants,
and she gives red-lipstick kisses
to her grandchildren -
to my children.
We talk about the food
and laugh, oh, so carefree...
And then I wake up.
And I have to remember
all over again that she's
not here anymore.
I often relive her loss
in those mornings.
When the weight of reality
blankets me.
Or when something
good happens…
Like when a photographer
sends me our family's images,
golden from the evening sunlight
and filled with our giggles…
And in that very second,
I want to share them with her.
I want to share my joy
with my mom.
But her phone number
now belongs to someone else.
And my heart breaks.
Or remembers the places
it's already been broken.
The places that are still tender.
The places that will
always be tender.
And yet...
Life has moved forward.
Milestones
have come and gone.
We've settled into our days
that no longer include her.
But she will always
feel like a missing piece.
Someone who is here,
but I cannot reach.
Like the Summer breeze,
who's not mine
to keep.
And no matter how
many days go by
that feeling will never fade.
Sometimes people wonder -
hasn't it been long enough?
Shouldn't this chapter be
closed by now?
But losing someone you love
is a forever thing.
It doesn't have an
end date.
Each new day arrives,
and they are not
coming back.
Yes, grief does change.
You learn to think about them
without falling into
a dark place.
But the missing...
the longing...
the love...
that part stays.
So it's not a chapter.
It's a life.
It's continuing to live,
without a piece of
your heart.
Some days you don't
notice it.
Others, it aches.
And that's okay.
Because missing her
is also a way of loving her.
A way of keeping
her close.
And I wouldn't trade that love
for anything else.
With love,
Elina