The Black Bin Bags

Hi my dear friends,

"Mom, mom… 
look how we cleaned 
our room?"

My daughters were ushering me
to come upstairs,
to see how well they'd finished
the task that had been 
waiting all day.

But of course, I was curious.
So I followed them into the room
where my sister and I once lived…
during the summers when we were 
still growing up.

Over the years, 
it had become my parents' room.
Or really… my mom's.

But yes -
my daughters had done 
their job well.

Not only 
was everything tidy and clean,
but their clothes now hung
inside the wooden wardrobe nook,
carefully arranged.

"And look! 
Open this door…"

They wanted so eagerly 
to show me more.

How neatly 
they'd filled the shelves
that once belonged to my dad 
and my mom.

“Have you organised 
them all?”

I was amazed by 
how much they'd done.
And also wanting to know 
where had all the other things, 
that once lived there…
gone.

"No, the bin bags 
are still there," 
they quickly replied.

Oh, good.

Because even though 
so many years have gone
since my mom passed away… 
There are still some things 
I’m just not ready for. 

At least - 
not today.

And opening 
those black bin bags 
is one of them.

The same ones 
we filled with her clothes
in a grief-induced daze.
The ones that still carry her scent,
if you dare to open them, 
and risk losing what's 
left of it.

I don't think 
I'll ever be ready for it -
to let her scent
evaporate.

Or to tear the bags open and 
go through the last remaining 
things we have of her.

Ending the process 
of discovering something new 
about the person I miss 
every day.

But then my daughter 
calls me again,
to show me how close she is 
to fitting into…
 her grandma's shoes
one day.

And I close the wardrobe
with the black bin bags 
still stacked safely 
inside.

Thinking… 
what if I didn’t
have to do it at all?

What if… 
it would be my daughters' 
hands untying them 
instead of mine?

And what if… 
instead of my grief, 
it would be their excitement 
discovering what's waiting 
within?

With love,
Elina Janevica

Imagery / From Elina's travels – L'Abbaye des Vaux-de-Cernay / Photo by Elina & Her Stardust