The Publish Button

Hi my friend,

This week I finished something 
that I had been working on 
for two years.

It wasn't something that 
should have taken me that long 
to complete -
just a tiny meditation 
project.
 
Recordings to ease your mind 
before going to sleep.
Something to soothe the soul.
In my native Latvian 
language.

But here I am…
two years later.

Only now finishing it.

And to be honest,
I am proud of myself.

It wasn't one of those projects 
where I could just sit down…
and do it.

Where I could finish it in 
one thirsty gulp.

Nope.

It was one of those where 
I had to carve out pockets of time…
between school runs, 
hospital visits,
and all the random tasks 
one needs to do to keep 
a household going.

But no matter how hectic 
life became,
I kept coming back to it.
Again and again.

Even if weeks had passed 
since the last time I
touched it.

It was a puzzle I kept wanting 
to solve, even when I had 
no idea how to do so.

And so here I am.
Finally completing it.
But you know what?

Yesterday, when I was about to 
press that “publish” button…
for a moment I wanted 
to stall.

That day we'd planned a fun outing 
for my daughter and her friends,
but partway through, 
she suddenly got sick,
and we had to head home early.

The rest of the day had turned 
into tending and comforting…
Of looking after her.

So by the evening…
I was feeling pretty
drained.

Did I really want to publish 
the meditations now?
At the end of a chaotic 
and tiring day?

In the mess of it all?

Wouldn't it be better to wait 
a few days?

To book a dinner and 
press that button in a more 
glamorous setting?

It did sound nice…
But it didn't feel right.

Not so long ago I wished 
I could be the kind of person
who had everything figured out.

Who could sit down and 
do things from beginning to end.
Who could compartmentalize 
family life and business.
Who had a plan.

But I'm not that person.

Even as I'm writing this letter to you,
I've gotten up from my couch 
countless times…

To hang the washing,
to get my son something from the fridge,
to interrupt my daughters before their 
bickering turned into a fight.

None of my life is mess-free.
It's everywhere.

But I keep coming back to this letter.
I keep coming back to the things 
that matter to me.

And I think that's what 
life is about.

Not the perfect conditions, but…
Playing in the mess.

So of course, I pressed 
that button right then and there. 
After a long and exhausting day.
In the mess of it all.

And I couldn't have 
been happier.

So if you've ever wondered 
whether your small steps matter…
whether showing up imperfectly 
is still showing up, 
the answer is -
yes.

You are doing it.
Even in the chaos.
Especially in the chaos, 
my friend. 

With love,
Elina