The Library of Annoyances

Hi my friend,

I used to get annoyed
when my mom would
buy me presents.

Especially the ones
she loved, but didn’t quite
match my own preference.

Things I knew
I would never use or wear.
But she had taken the time.
The effort. The care.

Things that reminded her of me.
And now here they were.
Waiting.
Ready to be received.

I remember my mom smiling…
eyes gleaming in the anticipation 
of what I would say.

And I just felt
like an ungrateful daughter…
Not liking the things 
she had prepared for me.

Sometimes I nodded politely.
“Oh, how thoughtful,”
I would exclaim.

But other times…
I was more blunt.
Something I am now 
holding with shame.

I tried telling her to stop.
That I didn’t need more things.
That I didn’t want any of it.
No more, please.

Of course,
it didn’t stop my mom…

Even if she eased up on 
buying me things,
she could never quite stop
when it came to my kids.

And whenever we visited her
on the weekends,
they would always find ways
to sneak away together…

Only for me to find them
in a short while, 
browsing glittery 
princess dresses
online.

I would get annoyed
and tell her off…
But a few days later,
the box would still arrive
at our door.

So I became louder and harsher
with the things I would say.
Things that I now wish
I could take away. 

But some lessons 
we only learn in hindsight. 

The thing is…

When someone 
close to us passes away,
all the petty things
disappear as well.

They vanish into 
thin air.

All the bickering,
All the things you wished 
you could change. 

They suddenly don’t matter
because the person 
is no longer here.

And you miss it…
All those quirks that once drove you mad, 
are the ones that now remind you 
of the person you love. 

So, yes, I miss it.

I miss the presents.
I miss all the mismatched things.
But most of all I miss her…
I miss my mom 
loving me.

So my friend,
this holiday season
I invite you to savour all
the little annoyances that
your beloved family
members bring.

All the weird presents,
all the stories they’ve told
at least a hundred times before.

All the annoying quirks about them,
all the eye-rolling ways they
are exactly them.

Because those are 
the things you will miss… 
One day.

So record them…
Film them…
Store them any way you can.

And someday you’ll be glad
you have a whole library of annoyances
to fondly revisit again 
and again.


With love,
Elina

Artwork / Barbara van Houten “Girl with a blue ribbon reading” (fragment) / personal collection